Daddy Archuleta Speaks Out

Jeff Archuleta, father of American Idol barely-of-age heartthrob David, has spoken out to this scribe of legendary prescience about his alleged banishment from the rehearsal process of American Idol:

“I would like to make it clear that I am sick and tired of trial by media. The latest stories that have come out from sites such as tmz.com, are warped and serve only to show how our country has sunk to levels of extreme Godlessness.

My son is his own boy. And when he isn’t, I take away his Speed Racer books, his Christian video games (like Grand Give Back Auto) and the oversize shoes that I buy for him so that they still fit when he has made a lot of money.

I am not a stage dad. What does that mean anyway? I don’t charge around the stage telling him what to do. I occasionally offer suggestions from the front row of the orchestra.

So call me an Orchestra Dad if you have to.

But I don’t actually orchestrate anything. I’m just the cheerleader. I simply don’t look great in a short skirt. And the Church frowns on that sort of thing anyway. Well, if you get caught, that is.

Alright, some jealous producer on Star Search said some bad things about me. But he didn’t have an 11-year-old who could sing, did he? It changes you, it really does. You don’t think it’s going to, but it does. You don’t look at the world the same way. And the world definitely doesn’t look the same way at you. It’s a lot of pressure.

I was there protecting my son from the mammoth effects winning 100,000 units of mammon might have had on him. Thanks to me, he didn’t feel a thing.

I am there at all times to protect my son from all those who seek to make a profit from his amazing talent.

Talent that I have helped him nurture, develop and enjoy without ever, ever asking him for as little as 10%.

You don’t know me. None of you out there know me. You make me out to be some kind of cross between Don King and the father of the Jackson Five.

They were both black, people. They were both taller than me. And they never, ever wore a flat cap like mine…can you imagine Don King in a cap?.. No one ever wears a flat cap like mine. It’s my little branding device. It says ‘I’m a normal Dad of a normal kid, so just treat me normal or I’ll get mad at you, OK?’

And another thing, why have all of these media people started asking questions about why David’s Mom is never seen in the Idol audience? What right do they have to tell a woman when she should leave the house?

We have a saying back home: “What happens in Utah doesn’t necessarily happen anywhere else and we don’t give a crap what you think about it, so just shut your face and go back to your God-forsaken hole in the ground somewhere other than Utah because you’re going to Hell anyway. Unless you live in Missouri. Then you might have a chance.”

It’s a long saying, but we all remember it very well.

Words are important. That’s why David really cares about the words he is singing. And that’s why if we decide there are better words for a song, we are going to sing them. Well, I hum them to myself, actually.

As if American Idol can’t afford a few more royalties. My son is the ONLY reason people are still watching. You think they tune in to watch David Cook?

My son is being paid $1900 a week to sing and sell Ford cars while dressing up like a Spanish animal-killer.

And, incidentally, I was NOT happy with the colors they chose for him…they suggested all the wrong things. I fought like crazy against that…well, quietly crazy. You’re telling me they couldn’t afford a few bucks to pay Sean Kingston? Whoever he is.

Ask yourselves who are the stage dads here. Me or the producers who are also going to earn a fortune by making sure my son wins the whole thing?

I have had to put up with my son being called autistic and gay by cowards on Idol forums. I have had to put up with being called a failed musician, a tyrant and an all-around weirdo.

Is this the price I have to pay for wanting my son to be incredibly famous ever since he grew his first kneecap hair?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

But if you’re looking for someone to help your music career, I’m thinking of setting up a management company, one that treats people decently.

I’m already talking to Constantine Maroulis and Paris Bennett.

They just haven’t talked back yet. They will. Everyone loves a winner. Everyone. And you can quote me on that.”

Credit: Pond Culture